Episode 111: CWG Talks About Dating - Past and Present

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Paige: You are listening to “Coffee with Gringos.” I’m Paige Sutherland.

Ian: And I'm Ian Kennedy.

Paige: So today, we are going to talk about dating. We're going to talk about how it's changed, evolved, from our parents’ generation to today, where we are on apps and Zoom dates and what have you. So, lots to talk about. So again, listeners if you get lost, check out that audio guide and transcript online. Okay, so, Ian—dating. Tell us just a little bit about your parents. Did they meet through family friends or were they neighbors? How did your parents meet?

Ian: Yeah, good question. My parents met on a double date with their best friends. So, my mom's best friend, she was dating a guy, and the guy was best friends with my dad, and so they arranged for a, “Hey, I've got my best friend, single. Hey, my best friend is single. Let's meet up and have a double date.” And I think, maybe, that was the last year of high school or the first year of college.

Paige: Oh, wow.

Ian: Yeah, and so they had their first double date, and I guess sparks flew, and they started dating, and they dated for, I think, five years before they decided to get married. A lot has changed since our parents’ generation compared to dating for us now, obviously, due to societal standards, due to technology, due to changing of culture. So, the stories of how our parents met, or that generation—how they met—it's oftentimes different than how people meet nowadays. The high school sweetheart, old fashioned kind of way, and I'm here now, thanks to them.

Paige: That's so cute though that they met so young and they're still together. That's awesome.

Ian: Yeah, it's a nice story. So, what about your parents?

Paige: Yeah, I mean, like you said, it's so different where our parents’ generation, that's the way to meet people—friends of friends, through school, through work. Those were kind of the only options—through being neighbors, growing up together. So yeah, my parents, they didn't go to college, so right after high school they went to work, and they met at work and got married pretty quickly. My mom got married, I think, at twenty. That's also something that's very different with dating back then is that I don't think you dated around as much. You settled down a lot earlier, you had kids a lot earlier. We're now, I mean I would guess the average age of marriage is probably like twenty-eight now, where that would be very late for our parents’ generation. I don't know if it's easier or more difficult because I would say nowadays, as everyone knows, there's dating apps, the internet, we have cell phones so you can really communicate so much faster. I always find it so fascinating to think about our parents. To go on a date, you would meet someone and you would ask them on a date, you would make a plan that day, you would say, “Will you go out with me this Saturday? I'll pick you up at seven.” You couldn't send a text message to be like, “Oh, I'm running late or I'm not going to be there.” If you wanted to communicate, you'd have to call their house phone, like their landline, and most likely, probably, talk to their parents, which is really awkward to do before first date. So, I almost feel like our parents’ generation, asking someone out on a date had a lot more pressure, more at stake.  Where nowadays, I could be talking to ten people on ten different apps and getting drinks and there isn't as much at stake, I think. I don't know, do you agree?

Ian: Yeah, I definitely agree. I think now with technology, it's almost, for us, overwhelming, the amount of possibilities or seemingly possibilities that we have. Because, I think for our parents, they didn't have, like you said, they didn't have these technologies, they didn't have a way to observe other people they didn't know. You only knew who you met or through a friend who said, “Hey, I have a friend” or through some sort of mutual connection. And I almost think of the quote we use a lot in English: “Ignorance is bliss” in that sense. Because back then, there weren't these technologies but, for that reason, you had more limited options but not necessarily in a bad way, just in a more, I think, intimate or more committed way. Because, like you said, if you ask someone out on a date, you would make those plans and you would basically commit to it then. And now, it's really common for people to ghost people or to get ghosted. So, say that you're going to make plans with someone or you keep delaying a date with someone and then you don't talk to them or you block them or you basically blow them off. Back then, you could do that but you would leave somebody sitting by the phone all day waiting for you to call or you would never show up to pick them up and it was, obviously, really bad but now I think people have the idea, or young people have the idea, that they can just talk to multiple people, they don't have to commit to someone, they can lead someone on, that it's not so mean, it's just a part of the culture now.

Paige: I agree and I think like we talked about how you met people back in past generations was through work, through school, through family friends’, close friends. So, to ghost people in that situation could be really detrimental to your other relationships or important work environments or whatever. Where today, you're meeting all these random people that you don't owe them anything. If you stop talking to them, it won't really impact your life at all. And just with technology, it's so much easier to talk to a billion people at once because, you know, you're not on the phone talking to them, you’re just sending the messages on Instagram or through the apps or WhatsApp or whatever have you.

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Paige: Another phrase because there's so many options in the dating field now is, “the grass is always greener (on the other side).” And so, I think a lot of millennials and younger people have that mentality because there's so many options. It's always like, “Okay, this guy is great but, you know, I have all these other people that I could meet that maybe are better.” Where I feel like thirty or forty years ago, I don't know if people thought that as much because your options were kind of limited by geography.

Ian: That's a really great point because, like you said, I think back then for our parents, it was when you found somebody that you liked and thought someone that was great, then you committed to them or you stuck with them. And now, you hear people, they find somebody that they like, they say, “this person is, they're good looking, they're nice. I like them, but I can find someone better or think I can find better options. There are so many people on this app or that app or I'm still young.” Or they, kind of, try to justify talking to other people and not committing. I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing. I think that might actually be detrimental in a sense, because it's like we need more to be happy or we're searching for something when we already have something in our hands. We already have something that makes us happy and so it can really blind your vision or your desires in this sense. You're already happy but you don't know it kind of a thing.

Paige: True. I think it's a catch 22 also because, obviously, at least in the US, our parents’ generation, the divorce rate is pretty high. And I wonder if that is because people felt like if they found something okay, they'd rather settle because finding someone better was pretty difficult and maybe that's why today, we wait so long or we are in and out of relationships because we're always looking for something better. So, I think there are positives and negatives to both. You should never settle but, like you said, you shouldn't just always be looking for someone better and better. If you found someone pretty great, you should stay together. But I think what's so interesting are these apps. I haven't been on any apps and my friends tell me about them and it's like there's an app where I’m at a bar, and I can log in and it tells me who's available around my area to get a drink or something and I'm like, that's intense. And there are apps like for okay, I just want someone for the night or I want a committed relationship or there's just apps for every type of desire. Yeah, it's just so different than so many years ago and there's an app where the girl has to contact the boy before they can talk, and there's a whole world out there with dating apps.

Ian: It's such a big market now. Like you say, you hear about your friends say, you know, “I was on this dating app…” a name that I've never heard like that before. Is that a new one? There's another one…there's another one…there's another one. So, it's an ever-growing, ever-expanding industry because everyone's looking for love. And in a world of technology, it's pretty natural that you can go to these dating sites, these dating apps. Again, I don't want to say it's a bad thing either—you can find the love of your life on a dating app, as well. It can go both ways, but it's just something so different from our parents’ generation, like we've mentioned.

Paige: I think too with the apps that I've noticed, talking to a lot of my friends is it really makes you think about what you want in a partner. Where the old school way of meeting someone is you just start talking to them and you have chemistry, and it's just it flows and it feels right. Where in an app, it's like okay, they have to like hiking, they have to like dogs, they have to love travel. You box people in these apps and I don't know if that's good or bad, because relationships aren't always based on similar interests and hobbies, but I think these apps do kind of gear you to find someone that is very similar to you.

Ian: It's true and it's very common to see that it's easy to objectify the other person if you're on an app too. So, on Tinder, you don't like somebody, you don't like how they look, in half a second you can swipe left, and you won't see them again. So, it's this constant swipe left, swipe left, swipe right, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe. And it makes you think, is this really the way to find love? Swiping left and right on a computer screen or on a phone screen? So, again it just goes to show as technology develops, it changes our society and it makes things different and sometimes weird and always different from our parents’ experiences.

Paige: It's such a good point because I've had a lot of friends that use the app—some successful, some not. And I love the stories of, oh, he looked very different from the pictures. Or same with the girls because, obviously, if you're on an app, you're going to use your best photos. I mean, hopefully you're being honest and not changing it enough where it really doesn't look like you. That would be a bummer.

Ian: Catfishing.

Paige: Yeah, where it's not even you, it's like your other friend who's prettier. But yeah, like I've had several friends are like, oh, he's a lot shorter than the photos, or he's not muscular like the photos. And so, it is kind of sad because that is probably a big percentage of why people initiate a date is because of the photo. The photo probably is the most important, which is sad. It really shouldn't be but it seems to be the case, for sure.

Ian: Yeah, I think it reflects social media, in general. It's kind of like Instagram, right? Everyone always puts up their best photos and puts up the best representation of their life and that doesn't necessarily equate to what their real-life in reality is actually like. So, I think we see this on these dating apps too. You have your best moments, best pictures, but that doesn't necessarily represent the person as a whole. It can be hard to really tell who the person is and if they’re for you.

Paige: I've had friends too that have lied about their interests. I think we all kind of know what people are looking for on the apps and so it's very popular to like hiking and kayaking and outdoorsy stuff. And so, I have friends, a really good friend, who her hobby is like watching TV and drinking, but it's “running, kayaking”, and I was like, “You've never done any of that.

Ian: You never do any of those things.

Paige: It's just hilarious the stuff you lie about to get a partner and I was like, “You think he won't notice after a few dates that you're not active?”

Ian: Yeah, you think the other person's not going to ask you about these hobbies you put in your profile, maybe the first date or after that? What happens if you start out the relationship on a lie? It's not a good start. So maybe try to be more truthful about your hobbies in the in the profile, you don't want problems later down the road.

Paige: Unless you both lie and then you're like, “Oh, you like watching TV a lot too? I don't like hiking.”

Ian: You have the connection in that way.

Paige: Yeah, that'd be funny. So, the dating scene is so different from when our parents met to know. It's a whole new crazy world out there, but I hope all you listeners find partners and love during these strange times, whether it's on an app or at a bar or what have you. Whatever works for you. But again, listeners if you get lost, check out that audio guide and transcript online. Thanks for listening.

Ian: We'll see you next time.

Paige: “Coffee with Gringos” was brought to you by Dynamic English, where you can learn English simply by using it. If you’re interested in taking classes or just want to learn more, go to our website at dynamicenglish.cl. Thanks for listening.

Key Vocabulary, Phrases & Slang:

 1.     sparks fly (phrase): when two people have an instant connection, usually romantically.

a.     Sparks flew when the man and woman saw each other at the party.

2.     high school sweethearts (noun): a couple who sustained a relationship throughout and after high school and later on to marriage.

a.     Her parents were high school sweethearts who were married young.

3.     to settle down (phrasal verb): to exclusively date only one person and no one else.

a.     After years of being single, he decided to settle down with his girlfriend.

4.     fascinating (adjective): extremely interesting.

a.     I think that the new world of dating is so fascinating.

5.     landline (noun): a telephone fixed with wires. Also known as a “home phone.”

a.     In the past, people could only communicate via landline.

6.     awkward (adjective): uncomfortable.

a.     Dating apps can be very awkward.

7.     at stake (adjective): at risk.

a.     There is not much at stake when using dating apps since you don’t know the person.

8.     ignorance is bliss (idiom): phrase meaning that it’s sometimes better for you if you don’t have all of the facts about a situation.

a.     Ignorance is bliss when it comes to dating someone new on dating apps.

9.     to ghost (verb): to ignore someone completely and stop talking to them.

a.     It is very common for people to ghost others when making dating plans.

10.  blow someone off (idiom): to ignore someone or to cancel plans with someone.

a.     He is such a jerk! He always blows his girlfriend off to play video games.

11.  to lead someone on (idiom): to make someone think that you are romantically interested in them when in reality you aren’t.

a.     She is sad because her Tinder date from last week is leading her on and doesn’t really care about her.

12.  detrimental (adjective): harmful; negative.

a.     Dating apps can actually have detrimental effects on people.

13.  the grass is always greener on the other side (idiom): saying that means that people are never satisfied with their own situation and think that others have it better.

a.     Maybe I would be happier working in Argentina. Oh well, the grass is always greener on the other side.

14.  catch 22 (noun): a situation in which someone can’t escape because of certain rules or limitations.

a.     Working is a catch 22 because you can’t get a job without experience but you can’t get experience without a job.

15.  to box (someone): to categorize or judge someone.

a.     She likes to box the guys that she sees based on their profiles.

16.  to gear to (someone or something) (idiom): to be suited to or have a specific focus on a particular person.

a.     Dating apps are geared to people looking for fun or love.

17.  to objectify (verb): to define or degrade someone or something as an object.

a.     It’s very easy to objectify other people on social media before meeting them.

18.  bummer (noun): something that is annoying or disappointing.

a.     It’s a bummer that her Tinder date didn’t even send her a message about the date.

19.  catfishing (verb): to pretend to be someone else when using a dating app or social media.

a.     She was surprised to see that her Tinder date was actually an old man instead of a young, college student. She was a victim of catfishing.

20.  down the road (idiom): in the future.

a.     Make sure that you don’t lie in your dating profile so you don’t have problems down the road.